Yeah, I was kind of shooting from the hip there.


So how long would it take before Jesus and Batman just started fucking right there on the Temple Mount?

I mean they're both really into the whole eastern meditation yoga bullshit, so I'm guessing not long. Maybe they'd slap each other around a little first, you know, to get in the mood and make for some exciting splash pages in the trade.

1. Jesus isn't gay. You must be thinking of Jesus Quintana from The Big Lebowski.

"Eight year olds, Dude."

2. Jesus would just talk to Batman about how the Caped Crusader used to sleep in the same bed with Dick Grayson until Batman breaks down crying.

Batman is pretty darn gay. That's probably why none of his relationships with women work out for very long. And it also explains why he spends his nights running around in tights and a cape contaminating crime scenes instead of just using his vast personal fortune and business and political connections to help law enforcement agencies in ways that are actually legal.

Maybe Jesus wasn't a skilled hand-to-hand combatant, but he probably was built like Batman. Dude was a carpenter back in the day, before electric power tools. That took serious muscle. Plus, he lived in the desert. I don't know why all the classic pictures of Jesus show this skinny, pasty-faced white guy with blue eyes and a scraggly beard. The actual Jesus (regardless of whether you believe he was God Jr.) had to be a brawny, barrel-chested, bronze-skinned guy with dark hair and dark eyes.

No doubt he was strong, but being a carpenter in the desert two thousand years ago means very poor nutrition by today's standards. Excellent nutrition (and probably steroids) give the edge to Bats.

Myoplex FTW!

Steroids, maybe. But nutrition? I've always wondered how Batman can stay so huge and bulked up when we almost never see him eat. Once in a while, Alfred will precariously carry a complete meal on a silver platter down the stairs to the Batcave (poor bastard; spring for an elevator, won't ya, boss?). In a show of characteristic machismo, Batman will push aside the food, wrap a piece of cloth around his six bullet wounds and announce that he has to return to the city streets to hunt for the Joker or Two Face or whoever.

Not only must this be insulting for Alfred, who spent a couple of hours preparing dinner and carrying it down 418 narrow, damp steps covered in bat crap, but you have to wonder how many calories Batman is getting compared to the million that he burns up every night. Maybe he keeps a Snickers bar in that belt of his.

S'the weird thing about Jesus, he was such a goth and his story was so absurdly martyrific. You'd think goth kids would dig Christianity and the manly men would worship Zeus or something.

K

Thor all the way. And he has his own comic!

Hmm. There's something to that, yeah. Hippie dude lives in the desert with outcasts and whores; he enjoys interacting with and helping freaks and the poor; he tells people to not be so materialistic, to love one another. He even allows The Man to nail him to a big piece of wood just to make a point.

If that isn't a story made to order for disaffected 14-year-olds, then I don't know what is.

Satanism.

No, no, Satan is for the cool self-confident kids. Jesus is for the disaffected nerdy kids who always get their asses kicked. He was one of them, except at the end, he became a magical ghost and flew away to rule Heaven, thereby becoming a winner. That gives the nerdy kids hope, much the same way they like to read about nerdy Clark Kent ripping off his eyeglasses and shirt and suddenly being Superman.