I usually ask the convention organizers to set me up in a booth near one of the big stars of the show, so I can attract some of his customers while they're waiting in line to see him (or her). But this convention doesn't have any lines! And though it's plenty crowded (ten thousand and counting, I'm told), there still seems to be plenty of elbow room for everyone! How am I supposed to steal anyone's customers this way?

Still, the silver lining to this particular cloud is that those of you who do come by must have specifically sought me out, so I'm twice as pleased to see you.

You'll have to forgive the sorry state my booth is in. I know it's a mess, but I got lost on the way here and arrived so late the boys in the loading dock had all hit the bar before I showed up. So I've only just started setting up my area, and I suspect you might find things easier if I give you a quick run-down on what I have to display.

Right over here I have a short overview of my Career So Far. It's not exhaustive by any means, just the highlights, but, if you're not already familiar with my work, it should help you get an idea what I've been up to in this business.

And here I have my Personal Biography, for those of you who want a little more insight into what genetic and environmental conditions go into forming a mind which finds it pleasing to produce the kind of stories I create. It's also a short read because, believe me, there are some things you don't want to know.

Next, I'd like to bend you ear a bit and do some bragging about My New Project which is going to be published by DC's Vertigo imprint, starting early next year.

Rounding out the informational side of my materials, I've got this list of FAQ's, which they tell me is computer talk for, Frequently Asked Questions. It covers some of the topics most on the minds of my fans and readers. However, if you have a specific question which isn't covered on the list, or isn't answered to your satisfaction, you can always Ask Me Directly. That's part of why I'm here.

For the time being at least, I'm sorry to say I won't be doing any sketches at this show. I'm just a little too busy with my new comics project. But that might change once I get up to speed on the new book. I'll be sure to let you know if and when that happens.

Of course you had to suspect I didn't come here only to look good and act smart. There's also the matter of commerce, which brings us to this part of my table. Over here you'll see the comic books I've brought to sell. I call this my own little Bill's Book Store. Each of these are books I've had some part in creating, either as author, or artist, or both. I apologize for there being so few at the moment, but I'm expecting a shipment of more of my funnybooks any time now. I'm sure they're somewhere in the convention center even as we speak, and I'll add them to the pile as soon as the UPS guy finds me.

And, finally, I've brought along some pages of my Original Comic Art to sell . Each page is from one of the comics I've had a part in illustrating. Any or all of them are available to you for the modest price of... far too much money. Go on, take a look. You know you want to (and it'll only hurt for a minute).

Oh, one other thing I almost forgot. I realize this may be a bold assumption on my part, but you look to me like the type of person who owns a computer. If so, I'd like to call your attention to my own Online Storybook. It's kind of a magazine-without-paper, and is full of adventurous stories written by me and some of my partners in crime, back home. If you're a fan of my work, or want to find out if you are, without first plopping down a lot of cash, you should take a look at it. It's free and we won't even try to sell you anything while you're there.

Well, that's it for the nickel tour of my modest set-up. Feel free to stay and look at anything you like for as long as you like. And do enjoy yourself at the rest of the con. Some of my favorite cartoonists are here, and I'm certain you'll want to visit them as well. Only, could you do me one small favor before you go? Could you tell me where the bathrooms are in this place?