Punisher Gift Zone: Last Minute Gift Ideas

by Koom Kankesan


Even a Punisher has a list of people he needs to buy gifts for at the end of the year — much to his own amazement. So this holiday season, Frank Castle takes a look at the best options in Punisher Gift Zone, a thoroughly tongue-in-cheek guide to gifting.

Frank Castle here. You may know me as “The Punisher” from the time I used to wage war on crime, drug fiends, and the underclass. Since my Netflix show was cancelled, I haven’t had much to do and so, Comicon.com asked me to write a series of columns recommending nifty holiday gift ideas.

Meticulous planner that I am, even I have to buy gifts last minute. I am nothing if not superb under pressure. I had to think of some last minute gift ideas for the people I know and I’m passing these on to you. The key to a good gift is its uniqueness, the fit for the intended recipient. Think carefully and the perfect soulful inspiration will come to you.

Daredevil is a really sensitive, caring soul. As we’ve debated the merits and drawbacks of the penal system, I’ve come to realize what a thoughtful, feeling person he really is. If I guessed, I’d say that he’s probably the curator of an art gallery or something like that in his civilian guise; in any case, I bet he really appreciates art. So I got him the Taschen Complete Paintings of Van Gogh. Very reasonably priced, this handsome book is 744 pages long and gives you insight into the tortured musings of the master painter. I know that Ol’ Hornhead will get hours of soothing pleasure just gazing at all the swirls and impressionistic flourishes in this beautiful book!

Spider-Man is another odd one. He’s always jumping around and fidgeting; he can’t ever seem to sit still. He’s a brilliant guy though and in his civilian guise, I imagine him being a classy inventor like Tony Stark or someone like that, used to fine living and luxury. That’s why he’s always so agitated and jumping around when we’re corralling bad guys in some alleyway – he can’t handle the dirt and filth. For him, I got a gold fidget spinner from the Russian brand Caviar. Caviar makes a range of luxury fidget spinners in a variety of precious materials that are adorned with various precious gems. These can run from the hundreds of dollars to the many thousands so you have to be careful but I figured with Spider-man, if I got something cheap, he’d know the difference. This is my way of saying ‘Hey buddy, why don’t you stop fidgeting so much – and this gift wasn’t cheap either!’ What the hell – all my gifts are bought with seized drug den money anyway, but they don’t know that!

In terms of the Kingpin, you deal with a conundrum – what to get the mob boss who has everything? Sure, the Kingpin is veeery rich but using the same stratagem I used with Spider-man would have just made me seem as if I was trying too hard. The key with The Kingpin is to get something simple that says “hey man, Kingpin man, I really see you for who you are.” I figure this is a guy who’s expanded his body mass into a mountain because he really wants to shield himself from the world and his feelings, all of the terrors the world brings. And what’s more terrifying than death, the great destructor, the grand foe we must all face some day? Why would he spend all that time and energy building up a vast crime empire if not for the fact that beneath that wine coloured cravat and white vest lies the knowledge he’ll die some day? That’s why I personally wear a massive white skull on my chest – every time I look in the mirror or a window, I’m reminded of this metaphysical fact and the ensuing importance of spending your days doing what you love. For The Kingpin, I got a Memento Mori medallion which like the Taschen Van Gogh book, is quite affordable. The front of the medallion evokes a painting by seventeenth century French painter Philipe de Champaigne while the back is a reworking of the sentiment on death offered by Roman emperor Marcus Aurelius!

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